How lucky we are, to have met such people who make saying goodbye so hard.
As this “Great Separation” has approached, I expected this quote to hit harder. I thought that as the people I love moved hundreds of miles away from me, there would be this hole in my heart that I’d try to fill with these words. And for some people those holes exist. Just not the people I expected.
I have always been a little bit too good at goodbyes. At least, on the outside. As a kid, I wouldn’t blink an eye when my parents left for a week, if the cousin who I had bonded with over summer left to get back on their college journey. I wouldn’t feel an emptiness because I didn’t want to at the time. I thought by moving on quick enough, I wouldn’t get hurt at all. This may have been the first thing ten year old self had figured out correctly. Moving on quickly meant no pain. But it also meant no love.
You see, it’s that emptiness that causes us to stay in touch with people’s lives. As they’re hundreds of miles away, it’s reminiscing of their presence that keeps you in touch. Pushes you to send that text of “Long time no see! How’s your day been?”
I realized this when my grandfather passed away when I was twelve. I remember not understanding the tears streaming down my cheek. In that moment, I wasn’t sad that he had passed, but rather, that I had not gotten to know him as well as I should’ve. When my grandfather left our house to go back to India, he left my mind too. Just as my parents did, my cousins, my friends. I stopped thinking about him to protect myself. Only to learn that it just hurts more in the long run.
Sitting here today, it’s a different type of emptiness. And I think it changes based on how close I am to a person. For the average friend, I now feel that emptiness of what was. Of all the times serendipity brought us together in the hallways or each time they’d show up on my volleyball court or room. I miss their presence, their light, their mind. A part of me also wishes I would’ve gotten to know them better. For some of them, to help them better. But hey no regrets. To these people, I miss them dearly, and hearing their name brings up this wave of nostalgia which excites me to see them the next time.
But it’s different for the circle around me. And I mean the tightest circle. My group of eight. My girlfriend. My old mentors and friends. Each of them has played such an important role in my life, and I know that their significance will not change. I won’t let it. Lately, I’ve been sending this message to each one of them: “I won’t say goodbye because I’m making sure we stay in touch :)”. And I will.
Somehow I know, that these people, will never get out of my life. I won’t let them leave. Because they are the world to me. So while that quote at the start of this blog seems to hit hard at times, I’ve changed it for this circle: “How lucky we are, to know wherever we are, we’ll never leave each others lives.”
If anything, I’m excited to see the amazing people I know they will be. I am grateful to be there on this journey with them. Because the reality of life is you choose when to say goodbye. Me? I’m choosing to never say it.