Sometimes I say things I shouldn’t. Not in an expletive way or directed to harm someone. But sometimes there are moment where my thoughts should have remained solely mine.
I notice it happens a lot with the thoughts I’m constantly overthinking. Often there’s an event in my life that I can’t stop thinking about, such as a relationship or a college event. And I’ll think about it. A lot. I’ll write medium articles about it, transform into poetry, and lie in my bed staring at the ceiling pondering the scenario. But I think this is all, for the most part, normal. I’m just reflecting. Yet what’s unusual and needs fixing in my opinion is that even though I often reach a conclusion in my thoughts, I find myself talking about the event to others.
I ask for the opinions of others when I already know what to do. I bring up this thought that’s weighing me down to others who don’t want to share its burden.
It just escapes me. I can feel a part of me wants to shout the thought from the rooftops, but is my journal not enough? What is the difference? That in one scenario it can be heard by others, and in the other its just myself? The problem with sharing this with others is the thought becomes performative and associative. They being to associate my current state with the problem, though it most likely is very different.
If I’m being honest it’s attention seeking at its finest—I want them to feel the weight I’m carrying. But that’s messed up. They never asked for this. I need to be better at keeping these emotions and these thoughts to myself, sharing them only when I need help or to those I trust enough to share my everything with.
It’s funny because I often had the opposite problem: I never let my thoughts out. They would eat away at me like a parasite to a host, stuck in my head ruminating over countless scenarios. But over the last month I’ve gotten better—I’ve opened up to more people. I just need to learn how to close when necessary, and only show some thoughts to a few special people.