I’ve been thinking about this piece a lot. About those words that appear in big letters as the title of this piece of writing. If they wanted to they would.
In all honesty I’ve written this piece close to ten times. And each time I’ve scrapped it. The truth is I don’t completely understand the meaning of those words or why I find solace in them. So here’s just my thoughts with no real conclusion.
All my life I’ve honed this ability to expect what people are going to do. I see it in the engineering teams I lead today, how I approach the problems of my family, and when I organize my friends. I honed this ability to make the people around me happier — I thought if I could predict what each of these people would feel in the future I could prevent their pain. I could help them.
And I think I’ve done exactly what I’ve set out to do. I find myself empathizing with people much more than before. When you tell me that you felt lazy today, I start to think about how you’ve been working harder than anyone behind the scenes. When you tell me your parents are calling you, I start to think about the frustration that must boil up inside. When you sit in the corner silent, I start to think about how I can change the conversation to make it a memory.
I didn’t know it at the time but that ability could all fit into one word:
Sonder: The profound realization that every random stranger you pass is living a life just as vivid, complex, and detailed as your own.
It’s a beautiful word, sonder. I just wish it became a word everybody knew intrinsically. After eighteen years of life, I sit here writing this piece from my desk fully aware of its significance. That everybody’s life around me is more difficult than they put on. I just wish everybody else realized it too.
Because while this ability I’ve honed has allowed me to understand more deeply my loved one’s lives, it has left me feeling kind of empty inside.
Every human wants to be seen. We all want our struggles, our efforts, our ambitions, and our emotions to be recognized by the people closest to us. Because if they don’t recognize it, who will? If the people we entrust with our darkest thoughts won’t help us, who will?
I’m not perfect with my implementation of sonder. I find myself being selfish sometimes. But honestly I think that’s a byproduct of people not seeing me sometimes. Because when others don’t understand our struggles, we are forced to chase after our dreams ourselves. It’s only after I hurt people that I realize maybe I should do it differently next time.
So back to the title. If they wanted to they would. I’ve found solace in the fact that people don’t see me because they aren’t ready for my burden nor do I want them to carry it. Carl Jung said “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” I think some people haven’t seen they’re darkness. Because if they wanted to they would.