I think life is a lonely endeavor.
Because name one person you know. Like fully know. Name one person whose struggles, dreams, and everyday life you fully understand. Does any one person fully understand you?
Is that not sad? That despite being surrounded by loved ones, we are all lonely.
Maybe this is why humans are attracted to forming relationships. Because we want people to know us. Lately I’ve been thinking about the relationships in my life—about how deep they are. Do the people I surround myself with really know me?
I’ve realized while writing poetry that it’s easier to write when you’re hurt. That when you’re heart is aching, words come out more powerfully in magnitude. Lately, I’ve been writing a lot of poems.
The one critique with the axiom I’ve written above is that I just need to open up more. In fact, it’s something my parents ask me constantly: “Nikhil, why don’t you talk more?”
How do I tell them that I know they won’t understand? That after years of opening up, I’m tired of opening up. I’m tired of opening up to them, to the world. Because lately it feels like nobody gets it. Lately it feels like no one ever will.
So when I say life’s a lonely endeavor, this is what I mean.
When I look at the people around me, I realize how many resonate with the title of this blog. These days I’ve been playing volleyball with a lot of my boys. And while we’ve been making memories with smiles on our faces, all I can think about is how their smiles drop as they sit in their car to go home. I think a lot of them are lonely.
That’s honestly why I keep calling them over for volleyball. I have no idea how to solve this problem. Heck, I can’t even figure out my own version of it. But I hope that those four hours we’re playing together, setting spikes, bumping balls, and laughing, their mind gets a break from the loneliness. Because trust me, as I write these poems, there is nothing worse than feeling lonely.